Most days its easy to think about how wonderful life really is. I have a wonderful husband who despite being a busy grad student would bend over backwards for me (and HJ). A sweet baby girl on the way and a crazy awesome family that supports each other through stress, drama, and the everyday perils of ordinary life. But... I, as some of you know, am quite an anxious person who on occasion gets beyond stressed out about this and that.
This week it has been the fact that Chris has to be gone soooo much for his research. He typically is gone for 3 days then has to run samples over the next 2 days- basically leaving only the weekend for "us" time. However, as I have realized over time, this does not mean we can or should pack in as much excitement as normal families get who see each other daily.
I am the type who loves to be around others and on the go, alot. Chris on the other hand likes his down time and I have unfairly bombarded this only time off with lots of requests for "us" time. He truly does his best to accommodate such a extroverted wife but bless his heart! Chris just reminds me that this will all be over soon and I will be stuck with him at home all the time in the future, as he makes a face as if I would hate that!
I know this research is a necessary evil for finishing the amazing journey called Ph.D candidacy; however, I can't help but become a little sad when he will/has been gone 13 out of the next 14 days. I know I am a grown woman and shouldn't react as if I were a child being left at daycare for the first time- yet I lost it today. Experiencing emotion is healthy right?! I have always thought that getting your emotions out was healthier than repressing them but then again I've never been pregnant before now. This is new territory for me and hopefully has not been to the detriment of sweet baby HJ.
I suppose I do have the benefit of looking to other mothers I respect and seeing that it is completely normal to feel out of control on occasion. That truly does put me at ease a bit. I am not crazy or alone in these emotions. Someone whom I have looked up to for several years is Kelly Martin Stamps. To me she has been the epitome of sweet southern lady turned amazing mother turned funny, wise, and influential blogger. She posted yesterday about becoming Unglued. Like I said a minute ago I feel better about knowing this happens to the best of women out there. Being a good wife or mother has more to do with the fact that you can be honest about things like this, take a deep breath, pray, and move on from it rather than hiding it away and pretending it doesn't exist. Thank you Kelly for making me feel human and for just being you!
Another person who makes me feel loved and human even at my worst is my own mother. It's times like today when I realize that being a good mother sometimes has nothing to do with showing your child how strong they can be. It's showing them that being vulnerable is perfectly fine too. At my worst sometimes I try to push away from any support fearing that it is better to be sad alone. My mother said to me I love you so much that I want to be your punching bag. Basically saying, I am hear to listen and absorb the venom you are feeling because that's what good mothers do. They want the hurt to go away from their child. Vulnerability allows you to let down your guard, get out that emotion, and then start to feel better.
I have been told I have to be strong for HJ. I shouldn't get so stressed out. I feel that in actuality the fact that I get it out, breath, and then move on from it is healthier for us both in the long run. I cried and cried when Chris left. Took a warm shower crying even more. Then fell asleep. Woke up and felt better. I have spent the evening talking to HJ and rubbing my tummy. She has been kicking off and on for the last two hours. Responding to my voice and the tummy rubbing. I feel if she can forgive me for occasionally feeling down or stressed out then life truly is good. I will be there for her just as my mom and husband and friends have been there for me. Love is shown in many ways. The kicks I feel even after such negativity show me that love starts out very early on. I love you too Hadley Jane.